In the coming week or so I’m going to post my reflections on what I’ve learnt (and I am learning) are key things in starting a healthy marriage.
The first issue I will look at is having space. When we did our prepare course one of the areas we differed in was that Katie thought we had enough space together/apart and I didn’t. I worked out that the difference was that Katie got her space right beside me when I was tickling her back, while I didn’t get my space there. Trying to be smart I bought her a Shiatsu back massager (affectionately called Shitsy) for Christmas which could do the tickling and give me space. Wrong! It has sat in the box most of the time while my hands were still put to use tickling.
Space is a two edged problem for me. I need space with my maker and I need space to enjoy God’s finished creation (exercise or just hanging out with the guys).
I understand my need for Sabbath time as core to my space as I see Jesus taking time out (Mt 14:23; Mk 1:35; Lk 4:42 cf. Heb 4:10; Lk 6:5). I won’t go into my theology of Sabbath, but I highly recommend listening to Tim Keller on the topic (Link). However, putting this understanding into practice has failed lately because someone whom I love spending time with is constantly available! The reality is that I’m depriving myself of being refreshed by having the same quality time I used to with my maker. Not to say that I’m not having some time, just not enough! I am also depriving my wife as I serve my own needs with her (which she can’t meet all of) and as a result I’m depriving my wife of being able to fully give to her out of how I’m being satisfied by my relationship with Jesus.
Now the other kind of space where I get space apart from my wife. I’m not sure how I look at this theologically… I understand the need for re-creation, but haven’t really figured out how the time apart fits in or how I get my space with her right there. I know I need this space so I can better serve my wife and God, but I’m still figuring out how it looks. I know it can’t be in my study/work as this is not a good hiding place. Maybe once I get my indoor soccer team up and running I’ll get my space…
Any wisdom would be appreciated…
P.S. as you can tell, this series won’t be about providing all the solutions, but instead working them out as I go along
5 comments:
I found the same thing when we were first married. You feel that you should be in the same room interacting all the time when you're home together, because that's what it was like when you were dating - you wouldn't go over to her place and then not spend time talking etc. You'll find a bit more ease in not having to be in each other's pockets after a while.
I tend to go to bed later than Camille, so I have my alone time then. Who knows what that will be like once I'm in a parish, though, and working full-time.
hrmmm... yes, these transitions aren't the easiest. Working full time in a parish will be a very interesting transition!
T & I have similar issues!
We've worked hard to talk this stuff through together so that we can love and serve each other.
I try to serve T by giving my time to share significant moments of the day with her. This also means that I make an effort to be around T even when we're not doing the same thing, because she needs me present. So she'll watch Brothers & Sisters while I sit next to her with my laptop, or work on an essay at the table.
T tries to serve me by giving me space. When I was teaching, it was no good for me just to take my own time out because T felt abandoned. We talked it through to come to a solution together: T decided she would give me space while she cooked dinner, so that I could then be present for the rest of the evening.
Trying to get space will head towards competition. I can't stress enough how important it is to talk this stuff through together with the mutual goal of serving one another. The #1 question for you as man of the house is, How can you love Katie? Even though you will die for Katie, that question doesn't exist in a vacuum!!
Thanks Arthur! Good advice. I can see the competition already happening in my head (How can I get my space?). I like the idea of the laptop while she's watching TV - I think I would enjoy reading blogs, tickling her back, watching tv & sitting all at the same time;)
I remember you mentioned this on our manly walk up Mount Donna Buang. Give yourselves time to adjust to each others needs and habits. Being aware of the differences is the best start though.
And then talking about them is the next step. Can also include talking about other differences... tv viewing? way things are done around the house? etc...
There'll always be ways to serve one another. :)
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